For those who do not know, my little brother [Trip, 19] is currently a US Marine stationed in Iraq. He left in September and has had an adventure thus far. He is not due to return back home till April, so with that said the holidays have been bittersweet without him here. We made it through Thanksgiving. We switched it up this year and actually went to Myrtle Beach to be with my grandma [Mom's side]. It was very enjoyable but different from the usual. I believe that there was a reason we weren't home this year during Thanksgiving, for the mere fact that it would be different. And thanks for God opening the door to a different but familiar home during that time. Meanwhile, we are drawing near to Christmas day, which I think will be the hardest test for us, for me at least.
Holland History 101:
My brother and I are 15 months apart, putting us very close in age and so growing up with him right behind me made things difficult at times. We didn't get along all the time, actually we hardly ever got along. But the moments that we did were amazing. They were the most important moments, the moments where we knew our bond to each other as brother and sister. We knew what the other was going through and we trusted each other most of all. Though some things did come back to bite us in our butts later on, [thanks to BOTH of our big mouths] we were still able to connect nonetheless.
What this all comes down to is, I miss my little brother terribly. Since he has been gone, I have learned to focus on the good times rather than the bad ones. And when I am able to do that, I truly miss what a great friend he is to me. I grew accustomed to having someone to share the memories with, especially the holiday memories. And I never realized how important or how much having him around meant to me until we put our Christmas tree up two days ago.
Holland History 102:
Ya see, around here we have a tradition. Since I can remember, we go as a family and pick out a real tree. I love doing it because it was a time for us to spend together, a time for just family. Though Mom and Dad did take that whole experience away from me for a few years [which is a TOTALLY different story for a different day, and no worries Mom and Dad, I forgive you haha] we decided last year [2007] that we would go back to picking out a Christmas tree as a family. For one, because I complained about it [I really missed the scent of a real tree haha] and two, we were taking it as if Trip wouldn't be with us for Christmas the following year [2008]. It was like we were doing it one last time before Trip left. We had already expected him not to be here this Christmas, or his orders at the time said he wouldn't be so that was the plan. We would go as a family and get a tree, and put it up and decorate it together.
So now a whole year later, I still got my real tree. It's decorated and pretty as usual, but something is missing. As I was walking around trying to pick out the perfect Christmas tree on Saturday, I felt a sense of emptiness. I almost felt alone, even though I was nowhere near alone. The light bulb went off in my head after we got the tree, and I realized that I was missing my brother. I remembered him the year before walking around with this branch that fell off a tree and he acted like it was his tail, like he was a peacock. Gosh it still makes me laugh out loud thinking about him doing that. But the reality two days ago was that he wasn't there acting stupid or crazy. It was just me. Me, Mom and Dad. And the more I think about it, I realize that I rushed them, I found tree after tree saying "Ok this one is good." Of course they didn't know what was going on, and at the time I really didn't either, so they kept finding fault in the tree or just wanted to look around to make sure they got the right one. Luckily for me the process was short, I think it took a total of 15 minutes if that.
After my light bulb went off moments after putting the tree in the truck, I made sure to keep my composure, I refused to get emotional at that moment. Mom and I went and ran some errands which took my mind away from all the emotions going on inside of me. When we got back home, Dad put the lights on the tree and there I was faced with the hard part. I had to pull out all the ornaments and put them on the tree....without Trip. It just felt wrong, like I was waiting for him to walk in the door at any moment and be ready to help.
Holland History 103:
One thing that my mom has done every year since we were born, is buy a new ornament for both of us. Meaning there are 18 ornaments for Trip, and 19 ornaments for me that go on that tree.
As I began to take each ornament out, I had a feeling of sadness just come over me. I literally began to cry, I mean the flood gates were wide open and there was no stopping it. I was a blubbering basket case, but I "pressed on" and finished the tree....all by myself....without Trip. I never in my life imagined decorating a Christmas tree would be so hard, or so emotional. The fact is that it was, I have kept my feelings pushed aside when it came to how I felt about my brother being in Iraq and not here. I felt as if it was unfair, but then I fet selfish for thinking that.
The whole point is this, you never know how much your life will change, or how different it will feel until it really happens. I have thought before, we are constantly reassuring ourselves, "That will never happen to me." And then you wake up one morning, guess what....it happened. It's the whole idea that we are protected by some invisible cloak. The truth is, we aren't. But what we do have or can have is faith, trust and complete assurance that whatever happens, God is in control.
As much as it pains me that my little brother isn't here, or the fact that he is all alone in a foreign place during one of the happiest times of the year for our family, I know, I TRUST and BELIEVE that he is safe. He is completely safe because I have the faith to believe that he is. I know that I have been selfish at times when it comes to this whole thing, but I am nothing but human who loves her own brother unconditionally. Though my brother is still alive and well [Thank God] his presence is absent, and it affects me. And I am beginning to see that It affects me a lot more than I thought it would.
I say ALL of that to say this, we may be blind sided by the unexpected or by things that we thought would never happen to us. Christmas may be especially hard for a lot of people for a reason that only they know. But out of all of the sadness and frustration of Trip's absence during this time, I have learned not to mourn necessarily but to rejoice in knowing that God has His loving arms wrapped around Trip and our family. Trip is above all protected and though it is hard for us we are learning to be ok with it all. I have learned that I may think that I can avoid the emotion aspect of all this, but as you can see a simple Christmas tree brought my uncertainty to my attention. But God was the One that was able to reassure me that in the end, it's ok to miss Trip but I have to completely trust God with him now. It is a very difficult thing to do at times, to just give God someone that is so close to you, but hey He is after all the Creator and All-knowing right? Which means, there is no need to really question Him at a time like this :)
I love you Trip and I hope and pray that you have a Merry Christmas. You are most definitely missed. We wish you could be here with us, but I know you are right where you need to be. I hope things get better and I can't wait to see your beautiful face in April haha :)
As my family and I continue to pray for my brother as well as for the other troops who are fighthing for our country, I ask that you please join us....whenever you think about it, just say a quick prayer for the soldiers who are unable to be with their families during this time. Thank you and remember, God is good....all the time :)
[[Psalm 91]] 
Ashlyn,
ReplyDeleteThat was beautiful!
I love you girl,
--Stephanie